Sexual Healing

Many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual problems. Some develop a deep hatred for sex, which they see this as an invasion of themselves and their bodies by someone else. They would prefer never to be sexual again. There are others who disconnect their sexual urges from their emotional feelings and use sex as a way to blot out pain. They may prefer masturbation to having sex with another person because they are simply too uncomfortable with intimacy.

Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but an attack on a person’s sexuality. Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.

When a person has been sexually abused — whether s/he was seduced by a loved relative or was violently raped by a stranger – the person’s views and experiences of sexuality get affected by what happened. The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now exist to help survivors of sexual abuse to overcome the sexual repercussions caused by abuse.

The10 most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:

Avoiding or being afraid of sex.

Approaching sex as an obligation.

Experiencing negative feelings such as anger, disgust, or guilt with touch.

Having difficulty becoming aroused or feeling sensation.

Feeling emotionally distant or not present during sex.

Experiencing intrusive or disturbing sexual thoughts and images.

Engaging in compulsive or inappropriate sexual behaviours.

Experiencing difficulty establishing or maintaining an intimate relationship.

Experiencing vaginal pain or orgasmic difficulties.

Experiencing erectile or ejaculatory difficulties.

What is sexual healing?
Sexual healing is an empowering process in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable. It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively change sexual attitudes and behaviours, which resulted from the abuse. The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing your self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual sharing in safe; life-affirming ways.

Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more, to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression, anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.

There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series of progressive exercises, called ‘relearning touch techniques’. These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance and support of a trained mental health practitioner. Professional care is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.

You don’t need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work. Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively and effectively in the healing process.

Here are some ideas on how to get started in sexual healing:

Learn about healthy sexuality
A first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like ‘bad’, ‘dirty’, ‘overwhelming’, ‘frightening’, ‘hurtful’ and ‘secretive’ to describe sex, you need to realise that these are descriptive of sexual abuse. ‘Healthy sexuality’ is something very different. It is characterised by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy, and sensual enjoyment. In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring for each other.

See yourself as separate from what was done to you
We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent sexual behaviour, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone else’s use. Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future. You are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called you, or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you have choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them.

Stop sexual behaviours that are part of the problem
You can’t build a new foundation for healthy sex until you have got rid of sexual behaviours that could undermine healing. Sexual behaviours that you will need to refrain from are: having sex when you don’t want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous sex, violent / degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive sexual fantasies. It takes time to break old habits and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body as well as the soul.

Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch
Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and sex, such as: flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender, or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, and even protective results of trauma, years later, they can get in the way of enjoying sex. By developing understanding and patience, you can learn to handle them effectively. When you experience an unwanted reaction to touching, stop and become more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm your self physically with slow breathing, self-massage and relaxation techniques. As soon as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself who you are now, and that you have many options. You may also want to alter the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions will diminish over time as you become more aware and unresponsive to them.

You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment and emotional intimacy. For when you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.

Foreplay Tips and Techniques

Foreplay is a fundamental part of the whole lovemaking experience. Most men and women experienced in sex will agree that the best sexual encounters should include long and sensual foreplay. A more attentive form of foreplay will bring increased pleasure to both partners, and make any sexual experience more satisfying.

Both partners need a little extra spice to get fully aroused and achieve maximum pleasure. The man may need to prolong foreplay to get an erection and the women will usually need the same to become properly lubricated. There is no such thing as spending too much time on foreplay. The trick is to start intercourse when both partners are fully aroused and having a hard time controlling their desires from foreplay.

Foreplay includes a range of activities such as undressing, kissing, petting, and oral sex; but you can add your own thoughts to the list. Sensitive foreplay is so important to good sex because it will help both partners enjoy sexual intercourse more, and it will especially help women reach orgasm more often. Most woman need prolonged stimulation in order to reach a complete arousal, and foreplay will provide them with the required encouragement.

There is no such thing as the definitive foreplay; it is not about pressing the right buttons in the right order. It is about understanding what makes your partner tick and supplying those things that make the experience exceptionally pleasurable. There are many ways to give your partner extreme pleasure, and it all begins in the brain. Compliment their appearance or other attributes, especially if they have a low confidence level; show them that you care about them and what they enjoy.

Creating the right environment for sexual intercourse is all about paying attention to the details, which is especially important at mature stages in the relationship. For example, make sure the room is warm, the lighting subdued, and the appropriate music is playing. Once the mood is right, take the time to undress each other slowly, because the act of removing your partner's clothes can be an important part of successful foreplay. Many find that undressing increases the eroticism - stimulating and intensifying the feeling.

During foreplay, go slow; begin by kissing and caressing. A kiss is usually the first physical expression of love and desire, but it is also often forgotten during sexual intercourse. During intercourse, kiss the different parts of your partner’s body, and don’t be restricted solely to the mouth. Most women complain that their partners don't kiss long enough and rush the movement directly to the genital area. Don't be shy to experiment on every part of the body (for example, many women enjoy particular kissing and nibbling attention to the neck and shoulders), and remember to prolong the foreplay with more kissing and caressing.

Another reason foreplay is important is for the learning experience. Foreplay is the perfect time to spend time understanding what your partner likes because without that, you will never understand what they really need to be fully stimulated. Don't be shy; ask for feedback and also give your own. Both partners gain from good communication during foreplay and lovemaking. If words fail you, either SHOW or GUIDE your partner in the direction you want, and encourage them to do the same.

Remember that only by communication can we understand what is required to improve, and that practice makes perfect!

10 Sex Tips for a Magical Wedding Night

How to make sex on your wedding night unforgettable

There's a general national myth about wedding nights; supposedly, every bride and groom have the most intimate and wonderful sex of their lives on their wedding nights. In reality, while your wedding night may be a little different, it is an intimate moment, and an opportunity. Here are ten tips that can help make your wedding night one of the best evenings of your life.

1. Take things slowly
   Savor this moment. While you may be a little too tired to have the most technically excellent sex of your lives, this is likely to be among your most romantic and intimate sexual experiences.
   
   
2. Lower your expectations
   So this may not be the most amazing sex you've ever had. So what? Try to just enjoy whatever happens.
   
   
3. Read some sex books
   Who couldn't use a little advice from the experts? Some to try: The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex, Sex Tips for Straight Women from a Gay Man and Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men.
   
   
4. Talk to each other
   Spend some time relaxing, talking about the wedding, and about your love for each other. Let things get romantic and sappy. The sex that follows will be intimate and amazing.
   
   
5. Expand your idea of the "wedding night"
   If you're too tired for foreplay, that sex isn't going to be so great. Couldn't it be better to wait until the morning?
   
   
6. Flirt with each other during the wedding
   It can be easy to spend the whole wedding greeting Aunt Sally and Cousin Bob, cutting the cake, and attending to a thousand other details. Don't forget to stop, stare into each other's eyes, share a few extra kisses, and flirt with each other. It will also help build the excitement for your alone time later.
   
7. Don't have sex with each other for a couple of weeks before the wedding
   Many couples try this to make the wedding night sex fresh and new again. Others go even further by giving up sex months before the wedding so that they may be virgin-like on the wedding night.
   
   
8. Try something new
   Perhaps there's been something you've been wanting to try? Your wedding night can be a fun night to experiment,
   
   
9. Wear something special
   Wedding night lingerie can really help the mood. Pick something a little different than what you usually wear to excite your partner. Make sure you feel confident in it, as a confident lover is almost always a better lover.
   
   
10. Set the stage
    Help yourselves get into the mood by setting the stage. Light some candles, bring some CDs and a radio, scatter rosepetals, or do whatever helps you get in the mood. And don't be afraid to kick friends and family out early. While they may tease you a little, they'll certainly understand!

It's also a good idea to accept the fact that you may be too exhausted or tipsy to have sex. If one of you falls asleep, or isn't in the mood, remember, it's not a prediction of a doomed marriage. Spend the time relaxing and remembering how wonderful your wedding day was. And, if you'll be a virgin on your wedding night, don't forget to read Sex Tips for Virgins on Their Wedding Night

How to Make Her Really Want You

What man wouldn't be thrilled by the idea of an attractive woman being filled with strong desire for you? As long as you are not talking about underage participants then a WOMAN pursuing a man is okay in my book (Ok, as long as it is asked for).

In fact, I highly recommend promoting this act of passionate discourse. How? How do you get a woman to want to rape you�jump your bones� attack the sack? You must first understand that women are a sensitive breed and they trust their instincts. So you must appeal to a woman's instincts and by that you must appeal to her SENSES.


Sense Sational

It is amazing how much key information you readers amass here for free. My only hope is that our efforts here are not in vain. If you read and don't try (apply) then you will never fully comprehend how simple attracting the opposite sex can be by simply following patterns, paying attention to "them" and repeating your efforts under the "numbers game" theorem.

A woman only has five (5) senses. You have 5 opportunities to turn her on and appeal to her. You must not worry about what you don't own or what you do for a living. Real women WANT to be turned on and your social status will have little to do with it in a one-on-one conversation. When you have an opportunity to have that 1-on-1 then don't waste it on bad jokes or bad breath. Make the most of it and know that over that next few minutes all of her 5 senses are hard at work checking you out.

1) Sight - If you look good you feel good and if you feel good you look good. That means that what you wear is as important as how you carry yourself. If you have a crappy outfit on but are smiling and happy and affable to all then she will see less of your exterior and see more of your interior. This is not to say you should not be apparel conscience because your apparel should "appeal" as well. Women are fashion savvy so just remember when it comes to dress, "don't set trends and don't break rules" and SMILE A LOT.

2) Smell - Lift your arm up right now and smell your armpit and your hands. Do your hands and pits smell like yesterday? Cologne and aftershave are "personal" choices. Choose fragrances that flatter your natural smell and most importantly: A women should only smell your cologne if you are within "handshake" distance from her - any farther and you reek. Now lick the back of your hand three times - if you do this you can smell what your own breath smells like. Also, "pheromones" are essential to attraction so if you stink like cologne she might not pick yours up. Less is more.

3) Hear - How you speak to a female is so very important. First and foremost if SHE is talking then you are golden. She will hear that you are interested in her by what you ASK HER or talk about. Smile often and look her in the eye so she thinks you are sitting on every word. When she asks you a question or finishes her own answer then immediately ask her another question about herself. People like to talk about themselves. She will take your good listening behavior as a turn on because you appear interested in HER. When you do speak - now it is important to appeal to HER HEARING. Speak clearly, not loudly, use soft tones when possible and shorten your stories to the most interesting points. Don't be afraid to paint pictures that are suggestive. Instead of telling a story of you going "swimming" tell a story of you going "skinny dipping". That "sounds" sexier.

4) Touch - Everybody has their own "bubble" and when a female does not know you yet she does not want you in hers. However, if you look and smell good and are a good listener then by this point it is safe to say she is a little more comfortable now. "Handshake length" is how close you should stand or sit next to a woman you have NOT been intimate with yet. You sit close enough for her to see, smell and hear you but you sit this close so if she decided to touch you then she could with ease. If you two are chatting in a bar etc. then you should only touch her on the arm and only when making a point in your story or if you two share a laugh. She might do the same. If she is walking in front of you then when you open a door for her only touch her on the lower back. These show "respect" in touching and lets her know you want HER in YOUR bubble.

5) Taste - You are thinking how I can get a girl with my taste buds. Well, I just told you in the last 4 paragraphs. You see "manners and etiquette" fall under the taste umbrella. If you are in the presence of a female that is interested in you and you follow the last four paragraphs then TASTE will be the topper. Tease her. Your polite, mannered behavior will tease her because now she is in front of a well dressed, well spoken, sweet smelling, non invasive male who is a good listener. At this point - if she is really interested - make her wait - tease her as long as you can because my friend she wants to rape you.

Wow, did we really get there that fast? Is it really that simple? We just have to smell good, listen well and be confident? Women will jump our bones if we listen to their stories and excite their olfactory? Yes, yes and yes again. The truth in this formula is that when you "excite" a sense you in fact turn it on. The more senses of a female that you can "turn on" the harder it will be to turn her off. She will feel, smell and see all of your strong traits that she likes and will embrace them literally. So when she bum rushes past "handshake length" to rape you make sure you show good taste and thank her.

The Right Sex Position

Here�s the deal: As long as men are obsessed with their erections and getting to intercourse with a woman as quickly as possible, while women are obsessed with their poor self body image and too frightened to tell their male partner what they need to happen in order for them to orgasm, both sexes will continue to be greatly frustrated with each other and sex in general.

So here�s a challenge I�d like to throw down to every male reader. I�d like each and every one of you to step back from your obsession with intercourse and instead focus that energy on learning all you can about the female sexual response for a solid three months.

My challenge for our female readers? Twofold � first I want you to learn all you can about just what it takes to get you to orgasm in the first place, and then I want you to find the courage to share this information with you male partner � for a solid three months.

If each of you reading this column would actually take the challenge seriously it would mean that by spring we�d have thousands of men and women far more sexually savvy and better prepared to enjoy their sex lives. Imagine the happiness and stress relief! And we�ve made it easy for you by having at least a month�s worth of great ideas for improving your sex life right here on this site (if not more).

So what has this challenge to do with the right sexual positions? Absolutely everything. Remember, a huge majority of women never orgasm from intercourse, and of those who do, very few are able to each and every time. This information, rather than galvanizing the sexes to get down to business and figure out a better way, has instead helped to make men selfish during sex, thinking more of their own �performance and stamina� rather than their partner�s enjoyment.

Think about it men, how often would you want to have intercourse if the following happened just about each and every time you participated in it:

1. You never reach orgasm from it.

2. Just when you were starting to feel something your partner felt the need to twist into a new position, or had her orgasm so things came to a screeching halt.

3. Rather than feeling pleasure from intercourse your partner insisted on positions that made intercourse uncomfortable or painful for you.

Sounds pretty dreadful doesn�t it? Welcome, my dear men, to the sexual world many women live in. Now of course it�s not all men�s fault. Nope. This whole charade of women lying about having an orgasm when they haven�t has got to stop pronto. What starts out innocently enough out of fear of harming a man�s ego, ends up being the very thing that keeps real sexual connection from happening. So too does the habit many women have of automatically putting the responsibility for their orgasms into the hands of their male partners � without sharing crucial information with their partners about what she needs in order to make them happen.

Everyone, you see, is responsible.

So back to the right sexual position, and exactly what that means. The right sexual position is one that allows the woman enough direct clitoral stimulation to reach an orgasm while at the same time keeping the man in enough comfort and stimulation (but not too much) to keep going until this can be accomplished. Since each and everyone of us is unique, however, there isn�t a �magic� position that works for everyone. Also, it�s important to get the idea out of your head that using your hands for clitoral stimulation is cheating. For many women there just isn�t any other way � but whose hands to use (of course) is up to you. Personally I think mixing it up is a good idea.

To make life easier for everyone I highly recommend (especially in the beginning when you�re still learning what works) that the woman either have already had an orgasm via oral sex before starting intercourse, or that she be very close to coming. Why via oral sex? Because it�s the softest way. The action of a man�s tongue isn�t going to make her sore, which you want to avoid at all costs. Also, many women need a good twenty minutes or more of direct stimulation before achieving the first orgasm, but a second orgasm usually happens far more quickly.

Many positions only need a slight variations in order to become one that a woman will find satisfying. I know many men are obsessed with �doggy style� since it�s a position they see so often in porn but remember guys, porn isn�t real sex � it�s entertainment. Doggy style is a position that�s all about entertainment because it allows the viewer to see as much as possible. This position doesn�t do much to stimulate the first third of the vagina (the most sensitive section) for most women, however, but if the man stimulates the woman�s clitoris at the same time what use to be something a woman did because it thrilled her man, can instead become a position pleasurable for both.

However, I do need to mention that the deep style thrusting that �doggy style� allows is just too deep for many women. They complain of the jarring pain of a penis hitting their cervix (note, this isn�t all women, so you need to ask), and that they feel like a �masturbation machine� for their partner because the position�s lack of intimacy. If this is something you�ve felt, or your lover has complained about, why not try a variation? Why not try entering a woman from behind while you�re both on your knees? To steam it up you can face a large mirror so that you both get a good view of exactly what�s happening. In order for the man to get the right thrusting action going to keep his erection the woman may need to lean forward a bit onto the mirror, however, this still means the man�s hands are free to stimulate the woman.

The main thing to keep in mind is that that it may take awhile to find the right position that works for both of you. Many women feel too exposed when they�re on top and a man�s laying flat. Things start to fall apart when women become self conscious, so why not have the man sit up leaning against a stack of pillows so that it�s easy to continue kissing, whispering, etc? Also, any caressing or stimulating he does with his hands of the nether regions of her pelvic floor are going to aid in her sexual arousal as well�

The art of long-term sexual compatibility

The days of first dates and excitement are long gone and you are feeling as though sex will not be exciting any more. However, there are couples who manage to experience sparkles even after 20 years of living together. There are few of them-all because maintaining good sexual relationships requires time and efforts. The best way to turn long-term routine into long-term good sex is to keep in mind some simple rules.

1.Be open to each other

At the initial stage of the relationship, we are used to the feeling of anticipation and close our eyes on details we consider minor. We are happy to HAVE sex and the only possibility of physical intimacy titillate our body to a mere presence of the beloved one. However, sexual obsession with each other is not long term. Reality of sex much more complex than what a hot erotic movie shows us.

There are a lot of situations were you need to tell about inconvenience or how you wish your partner to act in so many intricate situations. You may not always like what your partner does and vice versa. Very often we hide things that should be discussed openly out of fear to hurt your partner's feelings, when in fact we breed dissatisfaction.

2.Accept the differences

We are the one- one completes the other. This sounds good for a good novel -not for real sexual relationships. Just like each of us has his own individuality, our sexual needs can be different too. This doesn't mean he is pervert and you are normal or otherwise. Your partner has its own physical urges and they may be not all like yours.

Accepting your partner's differences doesn't mean you should do things that go against your will or your own desires. You should not panic to know that your mate may like something that you consider unusual or "disgusting". Your differences is strong engine to move both of you forward, and developing your relationships.

3.Become closer emotionally

Sex is closely connected with our attitude towards each other. You may be tempted to make up with your partner after a quarrel, but as practice shows sex is not a solution to other problems and won't bring you together if you haven't talked over the difficult matter first. Good sex is about having understanding on other levels and this first of all refers to emotional connection.

Don't make a habit to have sex when you are nervous or worried just to release from tension. It's better at least to calm down first and take things step by step.

4.Get off the beaten path

When you started dating, you both didn't think much about sexual compatibility. With the time, many couples are well aware of the ways to satisfy each other's urges the best possible way. However blissful it may seem, sex that goes according to a well-known scenario son becomes no more exciting than brushing your teeth.

You may ask- why try new things if you know one sure way to bring each other to the highest peak of pleasure? It's simple - there can be even better than you thought. Your preferences may change, you may find new sources for satisfaction. Even if some ideas seemed weird at first, later it can become your favorite.

Increase Male Libido

Increase Male Libido - Don't Think Testosterone Think Nitric Oxide
Many men who want to increase their libido think that they need to increase their testosterone, but in most cases they don’t need to they need to ensure their getting enough Nitric Oxide.

If you don’t know why nitric oxide is so important in increasing libido, read on and find out.

The Critical Role of Nitric Oxide

Without sufficient nitric oxide production you will not be able to get an erection, even if you have sufficient testosterone. Let’s look at the key role that nitric oxide plays in increasing male libido and the erection process. The erection process starts with sensory stimulation in the brain.

These impulses are then transmitted to the nervous system, which then sees the release of nitric oxide take place. The penis muscles relax, allowing blood to flow into the spongy tissue of the penis and ensure enough blood enters to create an erection.

Nitric Oxide declines naturally as we age.

Men as they get older turn to Viagra and testosterone boosting supplements, when the real need may simply be to boost nitric oxide levels.

Getting It Naturally

L- Arginine natures Viagra

The above is defined as a non essential amino acid and is necessary for normal functioning of the pituitary gland, production decreases with age affecting sex drive. In 1988 researchers discovered that L-arginine's overall health benefits were due primarily to its role in the production of nitric oxide.

L-arginine stimulates the release of nitric oxide from the walls of blood vessels, improving circulation and allows blood to flow to the genital area during sexual stimulation.

L-arginine has been proven in clinical testing to relax the muscle walls of the arteries and increase blood flow to the penis.A study in 1994 showed an 80% improvement in erections of men given 2.8 grams of argentine a day, after they had taken the supplement for two weeks.

There are other supplements that are also believed to help in the production of nitric oxide and they include: Horny goat weed, ginseng and Gingko Bilbao, which have been used in China for thousands of years to treat men with erectile dysfunction.

A Natural alternative

Of course, there are many inputs that go into the strength of the male sex drive, but looking at nitric oxide first and increasing levels with the above supplements will do no harm and will improve your overall sex and circulatory health.

For men who are generally in good health and are suffering simply from flagging libido, the above supplements are clinically proven to help increase libido, increase sexual satisfaction and provide stronger erections.

So, if your sex drive is flagging don’t think testosterone think nitric oxide first.