Many survivors of sexual abuse suffer from a variety of sexual problems. Some develop a deep hatred for sex, which they see this as an invasion of themselves and their bodies by someone else. They would prefer never to be sexual again. There are others who disconnect their sexual urges from their emotional feelings and use sex as a way to blot out pain. They may prefer masturbation to having sex with another person because they are simply too uncomfortable with intimacy.
Sexual abuse is not only a betrayal of human trust and affection, but an attack on a person’s sexuality. Our sexuality is the most intimate, private aspect of who we are. Our sexuality has to do with how we feel about being male or female, and how comfortable we are with our body, our genitals, and our sexual thoughts, expressions, and relationships.
When a person has been sexually abused — whether s/he was seduced by a loved relative or was violently raped by a stranger – the person’s views and experiences of sexuality get affected by what happened. The good news is that a variety of effective healing techniques now exist to help survivors of sexual abuse to overcome the sexual repercussions caused by abuse.
The10 most common sexual symptoms of sexual abuse are:
What is sexual healing?
Sexual healing is an empowering process in which you reclaim your sexuality as both positive and pleasurable. It involves using special healing strategies and techniques to actively change sexual attitudes and behaviours, which resulted from the abuse. The process of sexual healing often includes: gaining a deeper understanding of what happened and how it influenced your sexuality, increasing your self-awareness, developing a positive sense of your sexuality, and learning new skills for experiencing touch and sexual sharing in safe; life-affirming ways.
Sexual healing can take several months to several years, or more, to accomplish. It is considered advanced recovery work and thus, best undertaken only after a survivor is in a stable and safe lifestyle and has addressed more general effects of sexual abuse, such as depression, anger, self-blame, and trust concerns.
There are different levels of sexual healing work that a survivor can pursue; from simply reading about recovery to engaging in a series of progressive exercises, called ‘relearning touch techniques’. These exercises provide opportunities to practice a new approach to intimate touch. While some survivors are able to progress in sexual healing on their own, others find it essential to enlist the guidance and support of a trained mental health practitioner. Professional care is recommended because of the high possibility that sexual healing will stir up traumatic memories and feelings.
You don’t need to be in a relationship to do sexual healing work. Some exercises are designed for single survivors. However, if you have a partner, your partner needs to become educated about the sexual repercussions of abuse and learn strategies for participating actively and effectively in the healing process.
Here are some ideas on how to get started in sexual healing:
Learn about healthy sexuality
A first step in sexual healing is to learn to distinguish abusive type sex from healthy sex. If you commonly use words like ‘bad’, ‘dirty’, ‘overwhelming’, ‘frightening’, ‘hurtful’ and ‘secretive’ to describe sex, you need to realise that these are descriptive of sexual abuse. ‘Healthy sexuality’ is something very different. It is characterised by choice, consent, equality, respect, honesty, trust, safety, intimacy, and sensual enjoyment. In the books that you read and the movies you watch, decrease your exposure to abusive sex images and increase your exposure to examples of sex in which partners are responsible and express love and caring for each other.
See yourself as separate from what was done to you
We are all born sexually innocent. Due to sexual abuse or subsequent sexual behaviour, you may erroneously believe that, sexually, you are bad, damaged goods, or merely a sexual object for someone else’s use. Let the past be past, and give yourself a healthy sexual future. You are not strapped to the negative labels an offender may have called you, or to the way you saw yourself as a result of the abuse. Now you have choice and can assert your true self with others. Old labels will disappear as you stop believing them and stop acting in ways that reinforce them.
Stop sexual behaviours that are part of the problem
You can’t build a new foundation for healthy sex until you have got rid of sexual behaviours that could undermine healing. Sexual behaviours that you will need to refrain from are: having sex when you don’t want to, unsafe and risky sex, extramarital affairs, promiscuous sex, violent / degrading sex, compulsive sex, and engaging in abusive sexual fantasies. It takes time to break old habits and learn how to channel sexual energy in ways that nurture the body as well as the soul.
Learn to handle automatic reactions to touch
Many survivors encounter unpleasant automatic reactions to touch and sex, such as: flashbacks of the abuse, fleeting thoughts of the offender, or strange reactions to something a sexual partner does or says during lovemaking. While these reactions are common, unavoidable, and even protective results of trauma, years later, they can get in the way of enjoying sex. By developing understanding and patience, you can learn to handle them effectively. When you experience an unwanted reaction to touching, stop and become more consciously aware of the reaction. Then calm your self physically with slow breathing, self-massage and relaxation techniques. As soon as you can, affirm your present reality by reminding yourself who you are now, and that you have many options. You may also want to alter the activity in some way to make it more comfortable. Automatic reactions will diminish over time as you become more aware and unresponsive to them.
You can repair the damage done to you in the past. You can look forward to a new surge of self-respect, personal contentment and emotional intimacy. For when you reclaim your sexuality, you reclaim yourself.
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